still gutless at work. dunno what i'm so scared of -- it's not like i'm an integral part of the organization yet... suppose it's just fear of making a fuss when things are always so barely-under-control anyway.

developing guts at karaoke, though. out-of-tune, cracking-voiced ones, but they're guts! much fun.

maybe they'll stick around long enough to cough out what i need to say at work tomorrow morning. i picked up the notice form to get out of the apartment... once i turn that in, no looking back.

unless i want to commute.

and i don't.

it was an effort to stop the eyes-rolling auto-reaction to any and all mention of comic books. all in the name of good-girlfriendliness... after all, i was the one who recommended reading michael chabon's kavalier and clay, which resparked the old obsession. some non-comics-obsessed friends had recommended the sandman series by neil gaiman, and i really liked his and terry pratchett's novel good omens... so i bought a copy of the first graphic novel installment.

oops. started it wednesday, almost finished now. i think i might have to buy myself another...

well, the gutless part anyways. and if you're going to lack courage, may as well lack enough that it becomes an absolute feat that you are able to get out of bed in the morning. did i mention that i have a certain affinity for opera?

in other news, i feel like i'm increasingly drifting off from the world-at-large. i have a vague sense what's going on from what meanders into my e-mail, but i've had a really hard time talking myself into even browsing by the nytimes lately. the thought of politics brings a simple revulsion. i used to at least faithfully stop by and read thomas friedman's foreign affairs column. or run by the atlantic and scan an interview, learn something, gain a desire to read a book... i suppose it's burnout. knowing what's going on leads to wishing to change or influence it or even to have something truly insightful to say about it, which in turn leads to sighing helplessly at the enormity of the problems. yay rah.

but i need to start caring again, to overcome inertia and restart the thinking machine. i've had enough little local melodramas lately to keep myself occupied, but i feel like i'm starting to run low on fuel. no classes to play with, no major undertakings unless you count the imminent unemployment and moving in with the boyfriend adventure... in any case, i'm starting to find myself boring company. which is a good excuse to find other company, but at the same time makes me wary of inflicting my dullness...

tonight. jefferson street station. it's a good idea.

i went walking when dave left tonight. i love the weather like this, the cool but not-too-cold strong wind... it reminds me of days as a little kid when my two best friends and i used to rush in and grab umbrellas, then run around like maniacs in the yard with them, hoping the mary poppins effect would finally take hold.

it still makes me feel a bit like anything can happen. even if winding up with tangly hair is the most likely outcome.

it's been a good weekend overall. i guess i missed the more exciting parts of the party friday night, but i enjoyed what i was awake for. was i the only one there who didn't get kissed? not that i'm upset, just curious. spent saturday a bit hung over, but that's to be expected. and i was more or less over it by the time dave got off work and drove here. then i finally got to meet zoe -- who's every bit as cute as promised -- and see her daddy for the first time in ages, plus hang out with john and angie and some of the folks brent brought along from chattavegas to celebrate john's untimely unemployment over 'chos (add an "na" to the front if you don't know the mexican...). today, dave and i did a whole lot of lazing around. reading, throwing in the unlabelled video tapes i took from mom's huge movie collection hoping to stumble on something watchable...

i finished the latest installment in orson scott card's shadow series... or i assume it's the latest. i envy him his invisible prose -- so style-free that the lack of style is a style. i always fly through those books, it's so easy to forget i'm reading and let the imagery take hold. i reread one of the original ender books in french translation when i was trying to quickly up my reading speed to be able to keep up in my classes over there, and it's one of the few where i can honestly say that the language didn't make much difference. i also envy him his earnestness... i don't know how to explain that, exactly. he can write bitter, sarcastic, cynical characters, but there's none of that underneath. i guess the best way to describe it is as an honest striving to understand the world around him as wisely as he can while keeping his belief in love, god, etc. i can't do any such thing -- the skepticism runs too deep -- but i highly respect it when i see others who can.

i should quit rambling and go sleep.

that i finally got my laundry washed?

going to hang it up and make it less wrinkly tonight. really! and if i get really ambitious, i might even wash all my dishes. oh yeah. big goals here...

my excuse for not doing my laundry this evening: it's too damn cold to go outside. and laundromats are outside. i still have clean underwear enough for another couple days.

thank you, thank you very much, have a nice evening, drink lots of tea.

i'm such a loser like that sometimes.

ah well, shopping it is, then!

for a former s.e.a.c. member to make her darling boyfriend come all the way from knoxville to pick her up tomorrow evening? i'm perfectly capable of driving myself, i just don't want to, dammit. it's his weekend to come here. and i have a far greater dislike of driving. but we need to look at apartments.

why does my fossil fuel conscience have to be so freakin' naggy?!? "his car takes nearly twice as much gas. so by doubling the route and parking the blue box, you're QUADRUPLING the cost and ickiness."

must decide my evil level by lunchtime tomorrow....

oh, and while i'm here. happy birthday tomorrow, angie, if you happen to wander by! (or is it the next day? i'm so horrid with dates...) and happy birthday sunday, mom, but i sorta hope you're not wandering by. not that i don't love you, but... my mom's being fantastically understanding about the fact that i'm rather sick of living out of a laundry hamper and thus don't want to stop by there for her b-day. maybe it's just because i'm leaving it soon, but i have this sudden wish to stay near my apartment and not drive anywhere.

i need to quit being so damned clingy. to boyfriends, to apartments, to anything.

speaking of laundry hampers and suggesting static... yeah, ought to get going on that.

and i really just feel the need to point that out. it makes me feel more in touch with the old me who didn't have to be a conscientious worker five days a week. and i made it this far without additional post-work coffee because jill and i were on a mission... and all the gas stations between here and wal-mart were closed.

whee!! i'm going to bed now.